Pieces of You

There are so many pieces of you

that I fell in love with

the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at me

the deep conversations we shared on the phone

the tender touch of your lips when we kissed

the way our bodies fit so perfectly together

the sparkle has dimmed

I hear no voice

the taste of your lips has long faded

our bodies have been lost

all I see are words on a screen

that say nothing to me

no hint of what was

no promise of tomorrow

hope is torture

the memories I have haunt me

day and night

I can’t sleep

every moment you enter my mind

is a free fall in the dark

I mourn you, us, what was

hope dies; loneliness follows

the dark fills the void

I weep

fall asleep

restless

repeat

 

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You’re Wrong

You think you are doing the right thing

you think it’s right

to hide away your love

and pretend it doesn’t exist

But you’re wrong

Love cannot burn

with no fuel

when you smother it

it will die

slowly

painfully

until the smoke chokes the flames

and the embers turn cold

leaving only charred pieces

scattered on the ground

 

 

Walls

Alone in bed in the dark room, no one else heard the sound. Her words streaked through the sky like a lightning bolt of ice and pierced his heart tearing it violently from his soul, discarded leaving it to wither and rot. The love that had been like fire was smothered, left shattered and cold. Tossed aside, lying alone, gasping for breath; he closed his eyes, tears seeped through his tightly closed lids feeling icy cold as they rolled down his cheek and stained the pillow. She had said the words first, he had resisted fearing what giving himself up to her could mean.  Finally, they came out and to his surprise filled his heart with warmth. Happy and looking toward a new future, the world seemed brighter. But…the fire sputtered quickly, choking on its own smoke. He tried to fan it in vain, it smoldered and died. His fear realized; she was gone.  Love cannot exist without fire. Alone, hope gone, he wonders. Why?   Numb and barren, the darkness creeps in, leaving him in cold solitude to ponder how Lovers turn into nothing.  There is no answer, he only knew his heart was torn out and thrown away;  Something she promised she’d never do. And the walls came down, leaving him bare, unprotected, and empty.

Into My Life

She came into my life
I didn’t ask for her
She came anyway
Lovely, vibrant
My heart fluttered
I fell
Hard
Deep, deeply in love
So compatible
There’s no one like her
Eyes
Hair
Skin
Warmth
Everything I’ve ever wanted
Sweet, Kind, Beautiful
We both had others
We didn’t care
It felt right
It was right
Until she broke
Guilt
Ending us
Feels wrong
Something so beautiful
Wasted
For ones who don’t care as much
Hoping still
That she comes back to me
Soon
Life feels empty
Without her
Drab, dark, cold
I keep hoping she comes back to me

And Then It Happens

The decline of a relationship is perhaps one of the saddest events you may ever endure for a variety of reasons, even more so than death.  At least with death, there is a definite end that happens during the passage of time.  Sometimes, I’m sure one could argue that the same is true for relationships, and in some cases, there is an actual event that directly leads to a dissolution.  But more often than not I think that the end of a relationship comes in little micro deaths.  Small pieces of romance, passion, and respect die along the way.  It is almost like a starving animal.  You search for sustenance to replace the nutrients you have lost.  Maybe you take up a new hobby or try to exercise to fill the void.  Perhaps you both realize it is happening and seek counseling or some other outside help. I’m sure there are couples who have had some success in treating the starving relationship, both of them nourishing it until it bounces back maybe even stronger than before.  I envy those people, I’m a little jealous that they are able to succeed, don;t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, but a little piece of me wonders why I don’t have what it takes to fix the dying beast. So I’m not talking about the success stories, they have their place, but this is not it.

I’m talking about recognizing that moment, the moment that begins the disease.  Was it a conversation, a glance, what was it exactly? Perhaps that actual moment is something that we don’t even perceive and as it slowly dies, you begin to realize that something is amiss.  Maybe you notice little tiny facial expressions that don;t match the words you hear.  Maybe it is just absolute contempt staring you in the face. Or, maybe it is somewhere in between. Every relationship that dies has its own symptoms. A couple things I know that are facts:  It takes generally two people to make or break any relationship and one person cannot fix it on their own no matter how hard they try.

I’ve had a struggling relationship for years.  We ebb and flow through the motions of matrimony but I have sensed the starving animal for some time and no matter how hard I feel I have tried, it would appear that we are grasping our final breaths ready to slip into the abyss that has been looming for so very long.  There have been many moments along the way but the quintessential dagger for me was a look I happened to catch at a time when she didn;t think I was looking or could see.  It was one of those looks that laid out the entire truth.  It is something that I cannot unsee, ever. It struck me to my core and I knew that at that very moment…there was no coming back. People show their true colors in the shadows where they think no one is looking, but sometimes the contemptuousness is so dark and forceful that nothing can hide it.  And that is what I saw.  A deep seeded disgust and disdain that will be burned in my mind forever.  That was the moment, I knew we weren’t coming back.  Ever.

We never start relationships with the intention of them ending.  We have high hopes, aspirations of continuing passion, and the belief that your relationship is stronger, better, more enduring, than all other relationships and you think, “We can never fail!”  And yet years down the road, you see that look that sums up the final shovel of dirt covering the coffin.  And the end is so sad.  All of your good intentions and positive outlooks have been dashed on the rocky shores.  Something good that you once had is gone, time has passed and you find yourself at another beginning. You think, “This time will be different.”  Maybe it will be.

Break the cycle

 

We are taught in this world that there is a right way to love and that “right” way is passed from generation to generation. We have this one concept: boy meets girl, fall in love, have kids, grow old, and pass on.  One man, one woman. Forever. But what happens when the forever fades, when you look into the eyes of your spouse and see nothing?  Emptiness. We never know when it might hit, or when the realization sets in.  That moment when you decide that there is something more. We become conflicted, confused, even angry. This isn;t the way it is supposed to be.  Forever isn;t supposed to end.  No one taught us that part.  You exist, going through the motions.  Feeling numb. Maybe you feel like you got what you deserved, but why? Why should you have to accept mere existence?

Emptiness. We never know when it might hit, or when the realization sets in.  That moment when you decide that there is something more. We become conflicted, confused, even angry. This isn’t the way it is supposed to be.  Forever isn;t supposed to end.  No one taught us that part.  You exist, going through the motions.  Feeling numb. Maybe you feel like you got what you deserved, but why? Why should you have to accept mere existence?

Then…by chance, maybe fate, you cross paths with someone new.  Spark. Out of nowhere you see this person and feel connected.  The fog clears and it seems for the first time in what seems forever, you are seen. And heard. You are heard. Your voice matters to someone. They listen intently, soaking up your words. There is an interest. Like an explosion, a flood of emotion pours out.  You tell your secrets, your deep dark desires.  As a bond forms, you become connected. It feels wrong, this is not what you were taught about love.  Love is forever. You should not feel this way about someone else. But you do and it feels right and it makes you feel free. So you let yourself go and you soak in the newfound exhilaration. The looks, the touch, the smell, taste. You can’t get enough and you don’t want to stop, even though it conflicts with everything you have learned.  Love is forever.

But maybe, just maybe.  It’s the love you yourself has to give that is forever and that love can be transferable or redistributed. Why is it wrong to find love and affection wherever you can find it? Don’t we all deserve to be loved the way we want?

 

 

 

 

her eyes

There’s a glimmer in her eyes when she looks at me. I can see a twinkle that speaks only to me. Her eyes say so much. Her hurts…wants…needs.  Her desires. When she looks deep into me, there is no hiding my thoughts or feelings, they rush from me to her. I am mesmerized. Exhilarated. I want to tell her all that I am, who I was, who I want to be. There is no escape. I have no power. Yet, I can also see her. So much strength and fragility existing simultaneously. I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her close. Keep her safe. She has seen things, the dark side of humanity, she is seasoned and yet still innocent. She is wary and hopeful just the same. She can love. Love hard. Her eyes, though.  I can’t hide my being. She sees into me and through me.  My hard shell cracks. Those eyes. They extract pain, instill peace, tell me what I want. They heal. They pierce. I can’t hide. I don’t want to. I can’t look away. They consume me.

 

Patience. Tolerance. Acceptance. Forgiveness.

Aside

Patience.  Tolerance.  Acceptance.  Forgiveness.

These things are essential in our society and in all human relationships;  friend to friend, parent to child, and spouse to spouse.  However, all too often these elements that are so essential in productive human interact ions, are lost, forgotten, or just plain ignored.

He that can have Patience, can have what he will” ~Benjamin Franklin

We are in such a hurry these days.  We honk if someone doesn’t  take off from the light like Jeff Gordon at Talladega.  Why?  Does that 2-3 second wait impact your life or even your day, heck does it really impact your d rive to wherever you happen to be driving?

Perhaps there is a cosmic reason for the delay.  Perhaps fate is telling you that if you didn’t have that 2-3 second delay you would drive right into the path of someone running a stop sign.  I like to think that there is a higher power looking out for us from time to time.  Patience.  It is a virtue for a reason, exercise it.

Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.” ~ Robert Green Ingersoll

Everyone was raised differently.  Even siblings had a different upbringing based on their own unique qualities.   We live in a society and a country founded on different beliefs. Why is  this relevant?  Because we need to be tolerant of others especially in matters of insignificance.  Intolerance breeds hatred and violence. To be  tolerant of others’ quirks is to rise above your own world view and to be respectful of theirs.  It’s not always easy, but the rewards are worth it.

Happiness can exist only in acceptance.” ~George Orwell

We get angry because we expect people to behave the way we want them to.  People usually don’t.  So angry it is.  When we accept that people will not always, if ever, see things our way.  then  that behavior will be a little easier to swallow.  Now we’re not talking about illegal, violent, immoral conduct.  We’re talking about someone talking to the cashier at the store while you are waiting or being overly cautious making that left turn.  Once we accept we can find a peace that leads  to happiness.  And isn’t that the goal?

We achieve inner health only through forgiveness – the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves” ~Joshua Loth Liebman

No matter how enlightened we become  there will be  times when the actions of others will get to us and in our moment of weakness we will get angry and perhaps say some things we may regret.   these are the time when we have to reach for a most powerful weapon.  Forgiveness.  both for them and for us.  Once we truly forgive we can move on and put the past behind us.   This is so important.  We are never truly happy if we continue to harbor resentment for wrongs perceived against us.  In the end we are better for forgiving others as well as ourselves.  Put things into perspective and look at the bigger picture of life and what is really important.  Love, friendship, community.

Peace to you and yours.

Dealing with Difficult People – A Rant

I get along with most anyone. Seriously, whether I like them or not, I can get along with almost anyone. I seem to have that personality where people (most, not all) feel comfortable and actually enjoy my company.

However, I have noticed that there are a few people who don’t have warm and fuzzy feelings for me. I don;t have a problem with that usually, but there is a certain type of person that I have a very difficult time handling. This type of person looks to always blame others and is hyper-critical of almost every decision someone else makes. Even the ones that have no bearing on that person. So this is the type of person that I have a hard time dealing with. Perhaps it is because I don’t seat the small stuff or maybe it is because I am more concerned about being true to myself and my own belief of what it means to be a good person, parent, and steward of fellowship.

Reason doesn’t work, nor logic, or even flattery. They just want to be mad and there is very little you can do about it. Some people just want to find fault and criticize.

So what can you do? Remember that you do not have the power to change someone else and you are responsible for your own actions or reactions as the case may be.

There are difficult people in the world and I’m sure in your own life. Do not make their difficulty your own. They need to own it not you.

What are your thoughts?